BethanyCurse of Alcatraz
October 7th 2008 01:25
Oh, I love Chiller. It's the 'horror movie-only' channel I get through cable, and it has led me to some wondrously bad movies. Unfortunately, Curse of Alcatraz isn't wondrously bad, it's just plain bad.
body is found in an unfinished cell on Alcatraz Island, in the museum that was once a prison. The guard who calls in the discover, the head of the guards, pricks his finger on the sharpened tooth of the skull (and that's an important plot point, which is highlighted in a very film 101 sense).
After a forensics expert (and The Bitch of the show) determines that the body is, likely, too old to be under her jurisdiction she calls an archaeologist (or perhaps anthropology?) professor to help her out. He brings along his crew of miscreants, post-grads who study under him, and we have our usual archetypes. The Bad Boy, the Slutty Girl, the Nice and Smart Guy, and the Survivor Girl. There might actually have been three girls. I'm not all too clear on that.
Anyway, after that Weird Shit proceeds to happen. All centered around the guard.
So, issues.
1: The professor, when asked his professional opinion, demurs to his student (Survivor Girl). While learning is a good thing, when giving a police officer a report, it is probably best to remain with the leading expert. A rookie involved will just cause problems if they make a mistake. It's a stretch, but I suppose it could happen.
2: A post-grad archaeologist freaks out and screams like a five-year-old when a bug comes off the dead body. I'm sorry, this might just be me, but I can't see it. It's done for a cheap scare- a jump-go-boo kind, and it doesn't work at all. I didn't buy it.
3: The professor seems to know NOTHING about the Indian and the tribe involved, or the legend. Although it's possible that a professor of archaeology hasn't heard of an obscure Indian tribe in specific, I wonder that he has never heard a THING about it. But his Native American student (the Survivor Girl) happens to know ALL about them. Not just a legend they do some research on, not just the name and some vague details. She knows A LOT.
4: They get stuck on the island. Can't do anything about it. ...what? This was set in 2007, they all had cell phones (which didn't work inside the prison). If the Mythbusters can arrange to row from Alcatraz in a boat made out of raincoats to prove a point (with several boats in tow), surely some guy in a fishing boat can manage to get out there and get them back on land. And why can't the ferry get out there? The reason they gave held up about as well as wet tissue paper. And how did the students get OUT there if the ferry was not able to go?
5: The professor finds out about the guard, whose finger was pricked on the corpse. Because I know there are archaeologists who don't shave for fear of picking up disease in the air through cuts on their face, I'm pretty sure the Professor didn't show enough concern.
The acting ain't great, the script seems tired and the beginning is quite slow. Snooze-fest.
The thing is tired, but it WAS the last film to be filmed on Alcatraz- although if that holds up for forty years or so, then it might have some historical significance. Right now, that could easily change. So watch it if for some reason you feel, historically, you must.
body is found in an unfinished cell on Alcatraz Island, in the museum that was once a prison. The guard who calls in the discover, the head of the guards, pricks his finger on the sharpened tooth of the skull (and that's an important plot point, which is highlighted in a very film 101 sense).
After a forensics expert (and The Bitch of the show) determines that the body is, likely, too old to be under her jurisdiction she calls an archaeologist (or perhaps anthropology?) professor to help her out. He brings along his crew of miscreants, post-grads who study under him, and we have our usual archetypes. The Bad Boy, the Slutty Girl, the Nice and Smart Guy, and the Survivor Girl. There might actually have been three girls. I'm not all too clear on that.
Anyway, after that Weird Shit proceeds to happen. All centered around the guard.
So, issues.
1: The professor, when asked his professional opinion, demurs to his student (Survivor Girl). While learning is a good thing, when giving a police officer a report, it is probably best to remain with the leading expert. A rookie involved will just cause problems if they make a mistake. It's a stretch, but I suppose it could happen.
2: A post-grad archaeologist freaks out and screams like a five-year-old when a bug comes off the dead body. I'm sorry, this might just be me, but I can't see it. It's done for a cheap scare- a jump-go-boo kind, and it doesn't work at all. I didn't buy it.
3: The professor seems to know NOTHING about the Indian and the tribe involved, or the legend. Although it's possible that a professor of archaeology hasn't heard of an obscure Indian tribe in specific, I wonder that he has never heard a THING about it. But his Native American student (the Survivor Girl) happens to know ALL about them. Not just a legend they do some research on, not just the name and some vague details. She knows A LOT.
4: They get stuck on the island. Can't do anything about it. ...what? This was set in 2007, they all had cell phones (which didn't work inside the prison). If the Mythbusters can arrange to row from Alcatraz in a boat made out of raincoats to prove a point (with several boats in tow), surely some guy in a fishing boat can manage to get out there and get them back on land. And why can't the ferry get out there? The reason they gave held up about as well as wet tissue paper. And how did the students get OUT there if the ferry was not able to go?
5: The professor finds out about the guard, whose finger was pricked on the corpse. Because I know there are archaeologists who don't shave for fear of picking up disease in the air through cuts on their face, I'm pretty sure the Professor didn't show enough concern.
The acting ain't great, the script seems tired and the beginning is quite slow. Snooze-fest.
The thing is tired, but it WAS the last film to be filmed on Alcatraz- although if that holds up for forty years or so, then it might have some historical significance. Right now, that could easily change. So watch it if for some reason you feel, historically, you must.
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